I overheard this in Applebee’s recently….

“Well, Uncle John just passed away…does that help?”

Text I received from a friend who knows I have a number of fashion hangups, including a major problem with pajama pants worn as real pants:

“u would not b pleased.  going to sullivans in my jammie pants.  I did at least put a bra on and I am not wearing flip flops.”

Text I returned: “Two out of three ain’t baaaaaaaaaddd….”

(thank you, Meat Loaf)

“She’d probably rather be raped than killed.  They’ve had sex before…how bad can it be?”

A crisis negotiations student, commenting on a real situation where a man had taken his ex-girlfriend hostage.  He’d told negotiators he and his “woman” were “going to have sex” then he’d surrender.

“Food is fellowship.  That’s why we have a food network.”

A crisis negotiation instructor, on why food can be a great thing to trade with the bad guy in a crisis situation.

What the texter sent:

“Leaving with there Mom….”

What the texter meant:

“Living with their Mom….”

Funny…in a really sad way.  Educated, certified professional, baby.

Voice mail left for me by a friend tonight:

“Hey, you.  I’m in Huntsville and I thought of you.”

See, the Texas state penitentiary and the death house are both in Huntsville.    Apparently, being in that neck of the Texas woods reminds my friend of…me.  I’m hoping she thought of me because of my line of work and not because she expects to see me there anytime soon….

Okay, so this was a third person, said to a second person, about something the first person (me) had been involved in.

“If they’re still holding the menu, leave them the fuck alone.”

Hehehehe…there was a whole dust-up on Facebook about my bitching about a crappy waitress I had in Peo – oops – in another town recently.  I mentioned how bad she was and a friend went off the deep end defending wait staff of all kinds, not just shitty ones.  Then some other people said something and then I said something and then it was a whole ‘poopy-storm.’

I love when friends send me great material.  I didn’t hear these, but apparently they were said not only in public, but in answer to questions asked by judges.

Question: “What book are you reading right now?”

Answer: “I’m reading the book…called…um…I forgot what it’s called.  Sorry.”

Question: “If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be and why?”

Answer: “If I could be anyone for a day I would be Adam Sandler, because his movies are hilarious so he has to have a funny life.”

Question: “If you were a spokesperson for any product what would it be?”

Answer: “High heel.  Because I love them and am enjoying wearing them right now.”

Question: “If this pageant required you to have a platform, which would you choose?”

Answer: “The one in the middle so I wouldn’t be too far up or down.”

“It feels funny to hug you when you have all this stuff on.  You’re just so hard, and everywhere I move my hands there’s something sticking up.”

Said to me by a friend who was trying to give me a quick hug when I got back in town, but while I was on duty (thus wearing a vest with a hard breastplate and my belt chock full-o-police goodies).  About halfway through the comment, she went bright red and her voice sort of faded away.  I’m pretty sure I thought it was funnier than she did.

“I don’t want a skull and crossbones on my vagina.”

Overheard by a friend while shopping at Victoria’s Secret.  Even though I didn’t hear this, I had to post it.  That’s just too funny.  First that there is such underwear…the Captain Jack Sparrow Thong, no doubt…and second that a woman was that particular about coverage.  Standards, baby, we should all have ’em.