Today, a whole pile of randoms. Enjoy.
“’I can’t catch a dui, but I can be one.’”
LuAnn, opining on what might be in my head when I mentioned wanting a wee taste of the whiskey after a nightmarish two hour on-line counseling session for my impending bankruptcy. I’ve run a bit dry on DUIs on patrol lately. This was her response.
***
“One way to lessen your expenses is to cut back on your dry cleaning.”
– and –
“Golf clubs should be purchased only after monthly necessities, such as rent and groceries, have been purchased.”
Advice from the two-hour, on-line counseling REQUIRED to file bankruptcy. With advice like this, hey, our economy will turn right around in no time.
***
“Do I have El Fucking Stupido written on my forehead?”
Said with a Spanish accent to a thoroughly white guy about exactly how stupid each thought the other might be. I half expected to see a man in blue tights with a red cape and ‘El Fucking Stupido’ emblazoned across his chest appear from a puff smoke.
***
“They’re slickery sometimes.”
A local video store employee, after I found a handful of porn DVD jewel cases stolen from her store while investigating a separate crime. I asked her to come talk to me and she offered this bit of wisdom about how the porn DVDs come back to the store occasionally. Eeeww.
***
“Yeah, we shot it.”
“But it was already dead.”
“Yeah.”
An officer, after discovering a polka-dotted goat, quite dead, asking a kid about he and his friends’ paintballing of said goat. He never got a decent answer as to why. Perhaps it was an existential reason. The goat had once been, the paintballing was, and the mopes believed in a universal co-reality of the two. Or maybe it was just fun to paintball a dead goat.
***
“Sonofabitchgoddamnitwhathefuckisthat…holycrapisthataused – ”
Me, upon reaching into a cupboard to retrieve stolen items and finding, instead, the suspect’s recently used condoms. I guess my question is, first, why would you keep used ones around and, second, if you were going to, why would you keep them in a cupboard?
