So, when it did happen, it went something like this:
I was doing a security check on a historic church in the middle of nowhere. Kids get in all the time and smoke and drink and light candles (arranged in a pentagram which drives the respectable folk around here bugfuck and just makes me laugh) and – obviously – screw.
There was a window open and so I parked the car to check it out. Went inside, did a check, found the candles and nothing else, and came back out.
See, the problem was, it had been raining for quite a few days. And before that, we had massive ice and snow that had all melted.
And the second problem was that I didn’t notice the slope of the land when I parked on the grass.
It sloped down. Therefore, all the water was at my front tires. The ground was soup, which I finally noticed when I tried to drive away.
Yeah, went nowhere.
Absolutely dead stuck. Tires spun and spun and with each spin, sank me deeper into the muck. I worked for thirty minutes to get unstuck. I shoved old boards under the wheels, old branches. I tried to push the car sideways to get something solid underneath. Nothing worked.
So eventually, I had to make contact. If I hadn’t, dispatch would have started getting worried. Or I would have gotten an emergency call and had to ‘fess up. I called my Sergeant and bless his tired, old soul, he didn’t laugh at me. Asked a few questions, and said he’d send a tow.
A tow. A friggin’ tow! And everyone in the county with a radio (cops, city workers, street guys, hospitals, civilians, everyone who had a scanner) knew I was stuck in the mud.
When dispatch called me to tell me the tow was coming, what she actually said, over the air, was: “30, Joe’s is coming to rescue you.”
Great, thanks for that, I appreciate it.
The only saving grace was that the tow truck, when it was yanking me out, almost got stuck, too. So it wasn’t just me. So there.
(here, insert a picture of me sticking my tongue out, sticking my thumbs in my ears, and waggling my fingers triumphantly)
In other words, while being proactive in my policing, while trying to protect the citizens of the county from the unstoppable scourge of corrupt and defiled youth, I had an embarrassing problem.
Hah, that’ll teach me. Next time, I’ll just stay in the frapping car and drive right on past. Piss on that open window.
