Today, a whole pile of randoms. Enjoy.
“’I can’t catch a dui, but I can be one.’”
LuAnn, opining on what might be in my head when I mentioned wanting a wee taste of the whiskey after a nightmarish two hour on-line counseling session for my impending bankruptcy. I’ve run a bit dry on DUIs on patrol lately. This was her response.
“One way to lessen your expenses is to cut back on your dry cleaning.”
– and –
“Golf clubs should be purchased only after monthly necessities, such as rent and groceries, have been purchased.”
Advice from the two-hour, on-line counseling REQUIRED to file bankruptcy. With advice like this, hey, our economy will turn right around in no time.
“Do I have El Fucking Stupido written on my forehead?”
Said with a Spanish accent to a thoroughly white guy about exactly how stupid each thought the other might be. I half expected to see a man in blue tights with a red cape and ‘El Fucking Stupido’ emblazoned across his chest appear from a puff smoke.
“They’re slickery sometimes.”
A local video store employee, after I found a handful of porn DVD jewel cases stolen from her store while investigating a separate crime. I asked her to come talk to me and she offered this bit of wisdom about how the porn DVDs come back to the store occasionally. Eeeww.
“Yeah, we shot it.”
“But it was already dead.”
An officer, after discovering a polka-dotted goat, quite dead, asking a kid about he and his friends’ paintballing of said goat. He never got a decent answer as to why. Perhaps it was an existential reason. The goat had once been, the paintballing was, and the mopes believed in a universal co-reality of the two. Or maybe it was just fun to paintball a dead goat.
“Sonofabitchgoddamnitwhathefuckisthat…holycrapisthataused – ”
Me, upon reaching into a cupboard to retrieve stolen items and finding, instead, the suspect’s recently used condoms. I guess my question is, first, why would you keep used ones around and, second, if you were going to, why would you keep them in a cupboard?