“You’re sitting there…shove it down your pants.”

No, it wasn’t said by a leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix, I’m sorry to say, but by my chiropractor.  She was talking about an ice pack down my pants.  It would be for my back, although the concept might well intrigue the leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix.

“I think he’s a latent bisexual.  And that’s scared him into being asexual.”

“Uh-huh…well, [if he’s not careful] pretty soon he’s gonna be hand-sexual like the rest of us.”

Overheard during lunch recently.

“Drive fast enough and you never hit the bottom.”

One of my fellow deputies – the newest canine officer who I’ll call Dog-Cop II – when I told him not to come to my accident scene via the viaduct.  I told him it was drowning beneath something like 45 feet of water (okay, okay, a slight exaggeration on my part) and he’d never make it across.  This was his response and damned if it hasn’t become my life motto.

“Don’t polish a turd.”

A friend on what Princeton is doing in terms of economic development.  The city recently spent tens of thousands on new sidewalks and new streetlamps…even as For Rent signs are piling up on Main Street as businesses close.

A cornucopia of comments today, all from a recent law enforcement class.

“That was the best time at PTI (Police Training Institute) – watching them get lit up.”

“Yeah, baby, take the ride.”

– from two 22 year-olds who were talking about watching police recruits get Tasered.

*****

“My wife and my ex-wife get along pretty well.  And they both get along with my daughter’s mother.”

– from a 23 year-old.  He later commented about how the ‘bad guys’ have no self-control.

*****

“…shit flows like wildfire.”

– from the instructor.  I just liked the ultra mixed metaphor.

*****

“I’ve [written] 40 DUIs.”

“Bite my ass, that’s crap.”

[sarcastic snort]

– the first comment was from a kid who’d been out of the academy since last May and out of his field training program since the beginning of September.  The second comment was my response to him asking the class to believe that in four months he’d arrested 40 people for DUI.  The snort was from the instructor, who I’m not sure believed a single word the kid said during the entire four day class.

“I am a cocksman, Trey, and I ain’t being discriminatory, but I cain’t fuck no one-legged woman…I cain’t do my moves.”

A local Lothario on why he wouldn’t sleep with a particular woman.

“They were cold and they were gonna be thrown away!  I was eating garbage!”

The garbage was left over french fries at a convenience store in a small town where damn near everyone in town hangs out.  The clerk offered an entire pan to this kid and his buddy and while they didn’t eat them all, they ate 98% of them.  He said this to me after I gave him crap about eating for free.

“Sodomize the eye socket of a kitten.”

That was written,  definitely in my handwriting, on a scrap of paper I recently found amongst a pile of notes.  The rest all made sense.  The context of this one I can’t remember to save my life.  Color me completely clueless about the kitten.

“Are you a backwoods Christian, sir?”

A homeless man biking across country to Montana, after serenading me with a few verses and a chorus or two of ‘Down In The Valley.’  Without waiting for an answer, he then launched into a pile of moderately funny but ultimately obscene jokes.