“If you add ‘ito,’ it makes it small.”

Said to me during a conversation about Spanish.  As in ‘poquito’.  My contribution was that, obviously, under those rules, a burrito was really just a little, tiny burro.

“Better than a whore.”

Said to me on duty last night by a truck driver who’d hit a deer.  While I was doing the accident report, I asked if he had any passengers.  He said just his dog.  I opined that would be a good companion on the road.  That was his response.

A special two-fer tonight, folks, straight from Bouchercon, that largest and most impressive of mystery conventions.

“Do I look like I need peyote?”

Asked of me by a writer friend but actually – I think – an answer to someone else at the table at the time.

“Do we have a serial killer following us?”

Asked of me by two little old ladies when I ended up behind them walking down the hallway. You can supply your own joke about whether or not I actually look like one.

“Never been so happy to get my period.”

She said it with a sort of breathless relief.  I laughed and then said that would be funny on the blog because of the obvious inference people would draw.  She pretty much dared me to put it up.

“I can take these out,” he said, clicking a fingernail on his new teeth.

“I’m supposed to tell you this came from the grill crew…with love.”

What the window clerk at McDonald’s told me when she brought me a fish fillet sandwich a few days ago.  As there are always jailbirds working at McDonald’s, it gave me more than a few minutes pause.  What, exactly, are they defining as love?  Hmmmmm….

"[My ancestor was a slave trader, but] I don’t have to be a slave trader."

Overheard at the bookstore…not said to me personally, but I was there so that’s close enough.

“Get some Gold-Bond. It’s like air-conditioning for your balls.”

A fellow officer, giving his two cents worth on the chafing problem my crappy polyester pants give me during the hot, humid summer months.

“I have to see if the babysitter’s drunk.”

As said to me a few days ago by a local copper. Turned out the babysitter wasn’t drunk but did have a pissed off acquaintance.

“…six months of crust.”

A comment made after a deputy and I did an initial strip search of a pair of particularly pungent prisoners. I thought they seemed kind of dirty. That was the response by my partner.

I’ve decided to start a new section of the journal: odd, random comments. I get people saying really bizarre things to me all the time. Good, bad, and really ugly.

Today, for the first, we have this:

“I wanted to keep my midget porn classy…so that’s why it’s on the small screen.”

Said to me at a St. Patty’s Day party that included – on a tiny, five-inch portable DVD player screen – midget porn in honor of leprechauns. On the giant, 50-inch screen was college basketball.