So this is how it should have gone….
“Sheriff’s Office, this is Sergeant Barker.”
“Yeah, I’m missing my cock.”
“Well, it got stolen. I need you to find it for me. Return it to its rightful owner and all that.”
“Certainly, sir, I’d be happy to find your cock and return it to you. Now…can you describe it for me?”
“Do you have a picture? Strictly so that I know I’m looking at the right cock.”
“If the suspect has more than one cock, we may need to do a line-up, a cock-walk, if you will.”
And then I would go to the alleged thief’s house, talk to him about how society breaks down, the norms slip into nothingness, reliability and the everyday things-the cheeseburgers and cars, the football games and prom dates-all fall into abandoned pits of oil field slime if we allow cocks to be stolen willy-nilly.
He would see the error of his ways, hand the cock to me, I would return it to its owner, and life would chug merrily along.
But more importantly, it would be funny.
I mean, come on, can you imagine that?
“Yeah, I found a man’s missing cock today.”
“Here’s your cock, sir, have a good day.”
That’s comedy gold right there, baby, total comedy gold.
Sadly, not how it happened.
I got dispatched and went to the guy’s place. He said his rooster and some ladders had been stolen from the residence he was moving out of, but that he was really only worried about the rooster. So then I went to the house of the guy who had it, talked to him. He said the animal had been left after the man had moved out but he could certainly come get it anytime he wanted.
Bottom line was…not a cock theft.
And that ain’t funny at all. Not even in the least.
Though there was one moment where the complainant said he could send me a picture of it. Having worked on as many undercover child sexual exploitation cases as I have, I’ve gotten really good at getting guys to send me pictures of their whangs. Really good at it. Gotten so many dick pix I could open a Penis Hall of Shame in my office and put up pictures.
This picture would have been a bit more feathery than normal but hey, everyone’s entitled to their thing, I guess.
He never sent the picture and I found the animal within a couple days anyway. So everyone has the cock they should have, everyone is happy with their cock…at least as far as I know…and I am left bemoaning the lost comedic possibilities.
Ah, well, the internet is still alive and banging, so as Alexander Pope wrote: hope springs eternal in the human…er…breast.