Me – “Good evening, I’m Deputy Barker, can I see your license and – ”

Him (drunken passenger in backseat) – “My brother works for the county…call him…he’ll fix this.”

Me – “Fix it? He’ll fix it?”

Him – “Yeah.”

Of course, the problem, aside from all four people in the car (driver included) being hammered, was that the guy’s brother didn’t work for the county…and he is only a part-time officer at the agency where he does work…and even if he had worked for the county AND been a full-time officer, he had nothing whatsoever to do with my traffic stops.  Other than that, the drunk in the backseat was exactly right.

Ultimately, it didn’t matter.  The drunken idiot himself was…what’s word…oh, yeah, wanted. In two different counties on two separate warrants.

Me (wanting, but not actually, saying) – “Here, put these bracelets on, ya’ tool.”

* * * * *

The man worked security.  LuAnn and I knew he worked security because his blindingly florescent yellow shirt said so.  Said ‘Security’ right on it, in giant black letters that stood out brilliantly against his BRIGHT AS THE FUCKING SUN FLORESCENT YELLOW SHIRT.

But we also knew because he had on camouflage military pants…so he could be stealthy…which he had tucked smartly into his boots.  His pants were so stealthy, in fact, that LuAnn and I couldn’t even see him from ankles to waist…he just disappeared…because of his camouflage pants, you see.

Hmmmmm…florescent yellow shirt…camouflage pants.  Seems like two different theories of dress, does it not?

A couple of writerly comments today.

“I jerk off enough with my cock, I don’t need to do it with my writing too.”

In an email from a writer friend as we discussed the thorny issue of art vs. commerce vs. publishing.  In another email, from a different writer-type the next morning, I got a rundown of excuses for someone not getting something done that they’d promised to get done a while back.  Sort of the same subject.  At the end of the missive was this:

“Ah, the reasons I love publishing.  You’re lucky, you get to go shoot things occasionally.”

Jerking off and shooting.  Which one would get me into more trouble?

“So did you witness the accident?”

“Yeah.”

“How fast do you think he was going?”

“Oh I think he was doing the speed limit…when he was sideways.”

Said not to me, but to another deputy during their investigation of a traffic crash. I’ve never heard it put quite like that before.

“Don’t get all horny on me….”

Overheard at an afternoon cookout today.  The Mrs. said it to the Mr. after he began to imbibe.  She said it in a near-whisper and with what might have ben traces of disgust in her voice…which is what makes it so funny.

“When I put miles on the car,  I put pen to the paper.”

An officer responding to a caller’s demand for documentation of items found on the caller’s property.  The caller didn’t want the illegal items coming back on them.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to hear this bit of B-movie dialogue.  It was just a funny thing that came my way.  But since it so brilliantly fits the spirit of “…uh…what?” I thought I’d put it up.

A recent email exchange, between me and a friend who teaches at a police academy.

Me: “…and yet another footchase wherein I trip and end up in the damned hospital. That keeps happening. I gotta either rethink this whole footchase thing or get some new boots, I’m not sure which.”

Then Him: “New boots don’t fix clumsy.”

Then Me again: “I’ll have you know I had another foot chase two nights ago. I chased his ass all over Walnut, caught him, and didn’t fall once! Small victories, baby, small victories.”

Then Him again: “Hey can’t lose them all.”

Man, with friends like this….

“Gonna go get my geek on.”

LuAnn, telling a friend we were on our way to go see the new ‘Star Trek’ flick.

Today, a whole pile of randoms.  Enjoy.

“’I can’t catch a dui, but I can be one.’”

LuAnn, opining on what might be in my head when I mentioned wanting a wee taste of the whiskey after a nightmarish two hour on-line counseling session for my impending bankruptcy. I’ve run a bit dry on DUIs on patrol lately. This was her response.

***

“One way to lessen your expenses is to cut back on your dry cleaning.”

– and –

“Golf clubs should be purchased only after monthly necessities, such as rent and groceries, have been purchased.”

Advice from the two-hour, on-line counseling REQUIRED to file bankruptcy. With advice like this, hey, our economy will turn right around in no time.

***

“Do I have El Fucking Stupido written on my forehead?”

Said with a Spanish accent to a thoroughly white guy about exactly how stupid each thought the other might be.  I half expected to see a man in blue tights with a red cape and ‘El Fucking Stupido’ emblazoned across his chest appear from a puff smoke.

***

“They’re slickery sometimes.”

A local video store employee, after I found a handful of porn DVD jewel cases stolen from her store while investigating a separate crime. I asked her to come talk to me and she offered this bit of wisdom about how the porn DVDs come back to the store occasionally. Eeeww.

***

“Yeah, we shot it.”
“But it was already dead.”
“Yeah.”

An officer, after discovering a polka-dotted goat, quite dead, asking a kid about he and his friends’ paintballing of said goat. He never got a decent answer as to why. Perhaps it was an existential reason. The goat had once been, the paintballing was, and the mopes believed in a universal co-reality of the two.  Or maybe it was just fun to paintball a dead goat.

***

“Sonofabitchgoddamnitwhathefuckisthat…holycrapisthataused – ”

Me, upon reaching into a cupboard to retrieve stolen items and finding, instead, the suspect’s recently used condoms. I guess my question is, first, why would you keep used ones around and, second, if you were going to, why would you keep them in a cupboard?

Me: “What’s Gentleman Jack’s?”

My friend: “It’s the ‘fancy’ version of Jack Daniel’s — charcoal mellowed twice, smoother, blah, blah, blah. Or as I like to say (when not around corporate types) ‘Whiskey for P*ssies!'”

“You still look the same…minus the hair.”

From a friend who I’ve recently reconnected with via Facebook.  Still look the same?…minus the hair?…that good or bad?